Kasper Relapses – Again
It’s been going well for a while. Kasper hasn’t smoked Crystal Meth for 2 months. It’s a victory, and an important one.
It’s his proof to himself that he controls the substances – it’s not the substances that control him.
It’s been going well for a while. Kasper hasn’t smoked Crystal Meth for 2 months. It’s a victory, and an important one. It’s his proof to himself that he controls the substances – it’s not the substances that control him. If he were addicted, he wouldn’t be able to decide to stay away from them for so long, right?
But last Thursday, he relapsed. He was out with some friends, and they had some drinks. He was a bit drunk when they parted, but still he was very clear about the decision he had made before leaving home: he just had to go straight home.
[BLINK] But suddenly it happens. On the way back to the empty apartment, the familiar unrest sneaks up on him. Like a dark shadow that silently glides into the body.
[BLINK] A moment later, he reinstalls Grindr, even though he had decided not to use the app for a while – precisely to take care of himself. He almost doesn’t notice that he opens the app. A familiar emoji lights up. Ping.
[BLINK] A moment later, he puts on shoes and walks out the door.
[BLINK] He finds himself in an apartment with a pipe in his hand. The indescribable feeling of unease and loneliness leaves. He surrenders.
[BLINK] Suddenly, his reason comes back. Is this how he wanted to end the evening?
It’s as if he returns to the place within himself where he was before going out with his friends earlier in the evening. The place where he knows he won’t take drugs.
It’s as if he suddenly sees himself and the people around him very clearly. He feels repulsed – both by those around him, the naked and half-naked men smoking, but most of all by himself.
He puts on clothes and goes back to his empty apartment. It takes a long time before he can sleep. When he wakes up, he feels heavy in his body. And in his head.
Everywhere. He has done it again. Betrayed himself and his decision. Why the hell does he keep going against himself? He feels alone in bed. He sinks into the mattress, wanting to just disappear.
Kasper knows he needs help. He can get it from AIDS-Fondet’s counseling services about sex on drugs. Do you also need help? Then fill out the form here:
The story of Kasper is fictional; Kasper is not a real person, but he could be. Like Kasper, many people struggle with relapse issues, and if you are one of them, you are certainly not alone.
In AIDS-Fondet’s Specialized Counseling, we understand all the issues that chemsex can involve. We have many years of knowledge and experience with drugs and sex, and the combination of the two—and we are here to talk to you, completely without judgment.